paddlicons

Fic: Not To Us

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 17:42:42 GMT

Title: Not To Us
Author: paddlicons
Rating: R
Summary/Prompt: Written for the prompt ‘Winona, despite having been largely absent in Jim's life, has an Opinion about him marrying Bones. It's not positive.’ I may have strayed from the prompt ~~a little~~ a lot.
Warning: Schmoop. And angst! Both.
Disclaimer: As much as I wished this wasn’t true, I don’t own Star Trek.

Sending messages back to Earth was sometimes more difficult than the advanced technology of the Enterprise would suggest. They were too far out to talk live with anyone and it took a few days for the messages to even arrive. In the middle of a military crisis this could be a serious inconvenience, but at this moment Kirk found himself declaring the communications situation a marvelous thing and a fantastic opportunity for self-growth through the chance to reflect on one’s thoughts before sending them out into space.

The screen in front of him flashed with the words ‘Now Recording’ and he took a deep breath.

“Hi, Ma,” he said. Subconsciously he straightened his posture, remembering a finger sticking him in the small of the back as a prompt to sit up straight. “I have something important to tell you.”

There was a pause before he lowered his head and told the computer to erase the transmission. He gave himself a minute, during which phrases and wordings ran through his mind, all of which were immediately abandoned.

With a sigh, Kirk tapped a button on the screen to bring up the ‘Now Recording’ message for what was the sixth time.

“Hello, Ma,” he said. “I know it’s been a while. Starfleet has probably kept you up to date on what’s been going on out here, so I won’t bore you.

“Listen, do you remember that last time I had shore leave on Earth? Remember my friend Bone—Leonard? The guy who charmed the pants off you? You were practically ready to adopt him, so I think you’ll like what I have to tell you.”

He took a steadying breath, almost as if he were waiting for a reply, though the message wouldn’t arrive on Winona Kirk’s computer for three days. His eyes darted to his lap quickly before settling again on his own image on the screen. It wasn’t that he was genuinely worried about what her reaction would be. She really had loved Bones, especially the way he made iced tea without using the replicator, and the three of them had spent nearly every night of shore leave sitting on the porch swing drinking glass after glass of the tea.

Kirk smiled at where he knew the tiny camera was. “We’re getting married, Ma. We hope you’ll come to the ceremony, and I know it’s hard for you to get away sometimes, so we’re going to choose whatever date is best for you. Let us know.”

“Bye, Ma.”

He leaned forward and pushed the button to send the transmission.

*

When the computer in his quarters alerted Kirk to a received message, he almost fell over McCoy in his attempt to get out of bed and to the vid screen. McCoy grumbled and shoved his face into the pillow as Kirk chastised him for being a grouchy old man.

The screen flashed on when he tapped it and his mother’s image appeared. She looked good, he thought, but she seemed unhappy and she was always prettier when she smiled.

“Jim, I’m glad to hear from you finally,” she said. “Of course I know about what you’ve been up to from Starfleet, but you should know by now that I’d rather hear it from you. If you have the time to carry on a serious relationship up there, you could contact your mother once in a while.”

Her tone was strict, but her eyes were bright and Kirk could tell she was trying not to smile. She’d always been that way, trying to be a firm parent, but she always gave in.

Just as he expected, her slight frown disappeared and her whole expression warmed. “Oh, who I am I kidding, congratulations, Jimmy. It’s wonderful that you’ve found someone you love so much. I only wish…”

Her words trailed off and Jim frowned as her face fell. He found himself reaching out for the screen, as if he could lend her comfort just by touching her image.

“I only wish things could be different. I worry about you and Leonard up there. I don’t want you to ever have to make the decision that your father did, and I don’t want Leonard to have to live with it if you do.”

Kirk flinched when McCoy’s hand landed on his shoulder, squeezing gently. His mother continued speaking and, as much as he wanted to ignore what she was saying, he couldn’t draw his attention away from the words.

The two men were silent until the video ended and Winona’s image faded to black. Kirk continued to stare at the screen, willing her to come back and tell him she was all wrong, that she hadn’t just said she was unavailable for the ceremony, that she would come and wish them both the best of luck, that everything would be okay.

When minutes passed and Kirk still didn’t move from his chair, McCoy knelt beside him and placed his hand on Kirk’s leg. “She’s wrong,” he said, searching out Kirk’s eyes. “That isn’t going to happen to us.”

They held eye contact tensely for a moment before Kirk nodded and leaned into McCoy. “It wouldn’t dare.”

McCoy snorted, his breath ruffling Kirk’s hair. “No, no, it wouldn’t. Now come back to bed.” He stood and grasped Kirk’s hand to pull him to his feet.

They crossed to the bed and fell into it, tired and subdued, but in need of comfort. Their kisses were soft, hands roaming gently beneath the covers, no rush to meet an end. With the light from the vid screen gone they were left in blackness, moving by feel alone, so familiar with each other’s bodies that there was no awkward shuffling as they arranged themselves. McCoy ended up over Kirk, bracing himself on his elbows and panting against the back of Kirk’s neck. His thrusts were slow, Kirk only pressing back into him slightly, as they worked towards completion.

“It won’t happen,” McCoy grunted, burying his face in Kirk’s neck as his thrusts lost their rhythm. “God, it won’t happen to us.”
*

Kirk wiped his hands on the trousers of his dress uniform, specifically choosing a place he hadn’t already used as a towel so he wouldn’t leave sweat stains. He looked around at the banquet hall, which had been decorated and prepared by Starfleet themselves for the wedding. He knew it seemed very over-the-top to McCoy, but they were both high-profile officers and certain members of Starfleet had insisted on making a big deal of the event. Every seat was occupied, by officers on the Enterprise, by the few members of McCoy’s family that had accepted the invitation, and by high-ranking members of Starfleet.

As he surveyed the large room, hoping to spot Admiral Pike, he pushed away thoughts of how much his mother would have liked this. She had been insisting for months that she had work complications, even though Kirk had left the date up to her, and eventually McCoy had talked him into relenting and accepting that his mother wasn’t going to come.

Footsteps approached him from behind and strong arms wrapped around his shoulders.

“Are you ready?” McCoy asked, fingering the gold trim on Kirk’s sleeve.

Kirk leaned into him and nodded, still scanning the crowd.

The music started and McCoy gave him a little shove, forcing him to stand upright and they stood shoulder-to-shoulder in the wings, waiting for the admiral who was officiating to motion them forward. Tension rolled off of Kirk and McCoy glanced sideways at him, worry showing on his face.

“You’re sure you’re ready?” He asked again.

Kirk didn’t answer. His eyes were glued to the doors in the rear of the hall that had just swished open, and to the blonde woman who had just stepped through them. He knew he had remembered right; she was prettier when she smiled.

“Jim?” McCoy said, interrupting.

“What?” Kirk said, his concentration broken. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

When he and McCoy stepped out in front of the crowd, no one would have known that his smile was only for one person there.

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 15:02:31 GMT

Title: Five Times Kirk and McCoy Couldn’t Get Married (And One Time Kirk Insisted)
Author: paddlicons
Summary/Prompt: McCoy's a little old-fashioned about that whole groom can't see the bride before the wedding thing. This means they keep having to putting it off until tomorrow because there keep being reasons the captain and the CMO have to be in the same place at the same time. Finally Jim's all, okay, seriously, I have had my eyes closed this entire fucking meeting and that's going to have to count as close enough because we are getting married right goddamn now.
Rating: PG-13
Notes: Um. This may have ended up being much angstier than it was meant to be. Beta'd by fearnot.
Warnings: Character death, but not a major character.
Disclaimer: As much as I wish I did, I don’t own Star Trek.

One

It was early, far earlier than any sane man was awake. Jim Kirk wasn’t a sane man, though. He was a horny and excited man. He quietly let himself into his fiancé’s, soon to be husband’s, quarters and walked confidently into the dark room. He didn’t need to turn on the lights to find McCoy, who he could hear snoring gently in his bed. McCoy’s quarters were just as familiar to the captain as McCoy himself, so he succeeded in easing himself into bed with the snoring man without making a sound.

McCoy jerked roughly as Kirk’s weight fell on him and he called gruffly for the lights. They brightened instantly and he frowned at Kirk’s grinning face.

“Dammit, Jim!” He exclaimed, sitting up suddenly and shoving Kirk away from him.

Kirk fell back into the wall and grabbed onto McCoy’s arm to keep him from falling into the space between the bed and the wall. The look of shock on his face was almost immediately replaced with anger. “Jesus, Bones, what crawled up your ass and died this morning!”

McCoy yanked his arm back as soon as Kirk was stead on the edge of the bed. His fists clenched and released where they rested against his thighs, almost as if he might lunge forward and ram one into Kirk’s face, but they eventually relaxed. Everything else about him remained tensed, from his stiff jaw to the words that came out of his mouth.

“We talked about this, Jim,” he said, obviously making a clear effort not to shout. “We talked about this.”

There was a moment of silence before Kirk realized what he’d done wrong. When he did, his confused and angry expression fell away to be replaced by utter dismay. “Wait, you were serious? I’m not sure that not seeing the bride the day before the wedding thing really applies to us.”

For a second Kirk was absolutely sure he was about to get one of those fists square in the nose and he almost ducked just in case.

“I’m not a superstitious old fool,” McCoy told him, his voice raising despite his best efforts to stay calm. “But with all the damned stupid risks you’re always taking, I’m not going to do anything to jeopardize our future.“

Kirk hesitantly reached out to grasp McCoy’s hand, glad that he allowed him to and relieved that he now had slightly more control in the situation. “I’m sorry, Bones, I didn’t know it was so important to you.”

“You better contact your mother and tell her we’re changing the date.”

Silence.

“Jim, I’m not telling her, you’re the one who screwed this up.”

“Wait,” Kirk said. He took his hand back, but edged closer. “We actually have to reschedule?”

McCoy sucked in a deep breath before finally looking Kirk in the eye. “Yes,” he growled. “We have to reschedule because I refuse to become a widower in six months when you get your stupid ass killed. We can’t afford any bad luck.”

“You can’t be serious,” Kirk said, folding his arms over his chest. “Everything is planned!”

McCoy shook his head and edged closer to Kirk, who withdrew slightly, wearing the same frustrated and injured look. “Well, we’re going to have to change the plans.”

When Kirk’s expression didn’t change, he took one of Kirk’s hands in his and kissed the back of it lightly. He trailed his fingertips up his arms and nestled his hand into Kirk’s hair, twining his fingers around a few longer strands. McCoy sat up and kissed him gently, trying to erase the feelings of rejection. Between kisses he murmured, “It’s okay, I’m not mad at you. And I know what you came here for. We don’t have to stop.”

Kirk clutched onto his wrists for a moment, leaning into the firm touch and kissing McCoy back fervently. When they pulled apart for breath, Kirk found himself staring into McCoy’s eyes, the two gauging the other’s reaction.

Unable to look at him, Kirk used his grip on his wrists to push McCoy away gently.

“I’m not really in the mood anymore,” he said, untangling himself from the blankets, averting his gaze.. He stood and walked towards the bathroom, leaving McCoy sitting alone, hard as he’d ever been, and feeling like he’d just kicked a puppy.

“I’m just trying to keep you safe,” he muttered to himself.

Two

The ceremony was going to be on the bridge, of all places, and Admiral Archer had just beamed aboard for a last minute, day before rehearsal. Although the admiral was retired and had too much difficulty getting around attending most official functions, he considered it a personal favor to Kirk. As such, he made no comment about not having one of the grooms present at the rehearsal.

Kirk fidgeted slightly as he stood in front of Archer, his fingers wiggling in the grasp of Nurse Chapel, who was standing in for McCoy. He kept his eyes fixed just over Archer’s right shoulder, trying not to look at Chapel. She was perfectly calm, merely doing her part to help out, but she picked up on the tension radiating off her captain and kept glancing at him worriedly.

“…and then you’ll exchange the rings,” Archer said.

Kirk’s eyes slid over to the admiral’s face from where they’d been studying his right ear. Archer was many years older than the last time they had met. He was wrinkled and stooped over, almost unrecognizable as the man he had once been. Seeing a man that had been a hero, had two planets named after him and was President of the Federation, gripping onto a console for support, humbled Kirk. For now, he was the Captain of the Federation’s most advanced ship, but someday he too would be unable to stand unaided.

As his thoughts wandered, imagining the path his life might take towards where Admiral Archer now stood, McCoy twisting in and out of the story, he felt Chapel’s hand pull out of his grip. He glanced over at her, but she had already darted forward to grab the Admiral’s arm. Archer was sweating profusely and had started sinking towards the floor, his legs unable to support his weight.

Immediately Kirk snapped out of his reverie and he hit the button on his console to open a comm channel to Sickbay. “Dr. McCoy to the bridge for a medical emergency,” he snapped, before rushing to the Admiral’s side.
The ancient man was lying on his back as Nurse Chapel ran her tricorder over his body. It beeped and whirred, but Kirk ignored it and her. He grasped the Admiral’s hand and was comforted by the returned pressure.

“I’m alright, I’m alright,” Archer muttered, struggling to sit up, but Nurse Chapel put a hand in the center of his chest and pushed him back to the floor.
“That’s for Dr. McCoy to decide, not you,” she told him sternly. “You’ll stay right there until he arrives.”

As she finished speaking there was a familiar swish as the turbolift doors opened and McCoy stepped out. Kirk stood and briefly made eye contact with him, communicating both his worry and his relief that he was there to help in the moment before McCoy was at Archer’s side.

He placed a hand on McCoy’s shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Make him better, Bones.”

The Admiral was rushed to Sickbay, where he was watched over every minute by the best doctors available, but when McCoy returned to their quarters that night he was shaking his head. The two men fell into bed, wrapped up in each other’s bodies, as McCoy shook with silent tears over losing the greatest hero in the history of the Federation.

Three

Kirk walked with an extra bounce in his step towards the turbolift, almost shaking with excitement and pre-wedding jitters. They had waited months to reschedule the wedding, out of respect, and they were both eager to just do it.

Even though it wasn’t really his thing, he had just been visiting Sulu to discuss the flowers. He didn’t particularly care what flowers were where or, indeed, if there were any flowers at all, but McCoy was expecting a traditional ceremony, right down to a flower girl and someone carrying a bouquet. It had taken them right up until right then, the day before, to settle exactly who would be stuck with that particular part of the tradition.

As he approached the turbolift, the doors slid open. Kirk spun around and shut his eyes as quickly as he could, but still caught a glimpse of his perturbed looking CMO.

“Dammit, Jim!”

Four

A new date was set for the wedding, everything was planned and ready to go, a perfectly healthy officiate had been located. And this time, Kirk knew better than to surprise McCoy with sleepy morning sex the day before.

In order to avoid any mishaps or chance meetings, the turbolift incident still much too fresh in both their minds, McCoy had requested a day’s shore leave on the planet they were orbiting. To Kirk, it said something about how eager he was to get the ceremony over with that he was willing to brave transporting anywhere alone, so he allowed the request. It seemed to be a peaceful society, although Kirk admitted to not knowing much about the culture, so he saw no harm in his fiancé spending a day wandering the marketplace and admiring the local flora and fauna.

At least, he didn’t see any harm in it until Uhura received a transmission from the surface that McCoy was being held by the authorities for violating moral standards. Kirk amused himself briefly with thoughts of what moral code McCoy could possibly have broken, possibly being grumpy too loudly or saying ‘dammit’ too often, as he rushed for the transporter room, but worry overrode his light mood.

It turned out that McCoy had attempted to resuscitate a woman in the street who had had whatever her species’ equivalent of a heart attack was and this was the only planet anywhere that took offense at life-saving medical care. Apparently it was considered an affront to their gods to attempt to prolong life beyond the years which they had been naturally granted.

When McCoy and Kirk were standing back on the Enterprise, side by side on the transporter pad after hours of negotiating for the doctor’s release, Kirk leaned into McCoy. The doctor almost shook him off, almost broke away from the contact, but Kirk snaked an arm around his waist to hold him close.

“I’m proud of you,” Kirk said, leaning his head against McCoy’s shoulder. “Even if they aren’t.”

Five

When the orders from Starfleet came through that the Enterprise would have to make an emergency stop on Makus III to deliver some urgently needed medical supplies, and that the captain and the chief medical officer were both required to be part of the landing party, well, it was the closet Kirk had ever come to begging in his life.

“No other ship can go?” He asked again, sitting forward in the captain’s chair and staring intently at the viewing screen.

The admiral who had delivered the news shook her head. “You’re the only ship close enough to get there in time.”

Kirk’s face fell. He was almost willing to disobey the orders, to sabotage his own ship so they wouldn’t be able to go, to make any number of increasingly pathetic excuses for why they couldn’t possibly bring aid to a troubled planet. The whole crew had the flu. Scotty broke the warp core while trying to make love to it. He had a turkey in the oven.

When it occurred to him that those excuses might not work, he desperately threw the truth out there. “Look, Admiral, I’m getting married.”

She nodded. “I am aware of that and offer my congratulations. This is a short mission and it won’t interfere with your plans in any way.”

Kirk stood, raking a hand through his hair. “You don’t understand,” he said. “Bones and I can’t see each other the day before the wedding and if we head to Makus III now we’ll arrive the day before and then Bones won’t let me marry him and this has already happened four times and please, I just want to get married now.”

He was shaking with nervous energy and gave the admiral his best cheeky grin to cover it up, but all she offered a small smile. “I’m sorry about the inconvenience, but the orders stand.”

The screen flickered off and Kirk sank back into his chair. The bridge crew quickly looked away, trying not to show the pity they felt for their captain. Uhura, though, watched him sadly for a few moments before turning back to her station.

It took Kirk a few minutes to get up the courage to hail Sickbay. “Bridge to Dr. McCoy,” he said. “Bones, we have to talk.”

Plus One

The wedding was rescheduled yet again, for the day after the day after the Makus III delivery. Kirk had been told it would be quick and easy. They would beam down to the plane, he would go over some diplomatic garbage with the leaders of the settlement while McCoy distributed the supplies and evaluated the conditions of the medical facilities, and they would go home.

Those were the plans. It was frustrating, but it would be a routine trip and they would arrive back on the Enterprise with plenty of time to avoid one another before the wedding. Unfortunately, the plans didn’t account for a surprise attack by the rebels whose attacks had caused the shortage of medical supplies in the first place.

In the resulting chaos, the landing party was separated. Two ensigns and McCoy were picked up by the transporters, just as a group of rebels located their hiding place. When they materialized on the transporter pad one of the ensign’s shirts was stained dark red from the shot he’d taken to the chest. The Enterprise bridge crew scrambled to locate the captain on the planet, having no luck with their scanners and eventually sending down Spock with another landing party to search on foot.

Spock was not surprised to find the settlement nearly destroyed upon their arrival. Smoking ruins replaced what had been state-of-the-art facilities. Bodies scattered the landscape, most of the settlers, but a few rebels they had managed to kill before being overwhelmed. Further exploration led them to what had been a government building, which was guarded by rebels carrying large spears and phaser-style weapons at their hips.

Despite their impressive looking weaponry, the rebels proved to be clumsy with their spears and had poor marksmanship with their phasers. It took very little effort for Spock and his team to get by the guards outside the building. A lieutenant limped along due to a smack he’d received in the knee from a spear, so he stayed behind when the away team entered the building, keeping watch for more rebels.

The building was evidently used to house prisoners at some point, as in the basement there were still holding cells. They were old-fashioned and not difficult to break into. Spock would have wondered why the Captain had not been able to release himself, considering how primitive his restraints were, but when he saw the condition that the Captain was in he knew there had been no possibility of him ever freeing himself.

Spock pulled his communicator from his pocket and flipped it open. “Spock to Enterprise,” he said clearly, keeping his eyes on the Captain and the medical officer that was leaning over him.

“Uhura here,” came the reply.

“We have located the Captain. Five to beam up.”

They materialized in the transporter room to find McCoy already there, waiting anxiously to see Kirk. The injured captain was being supported by Spock and the medical officer, and even though he was weak, he beamed when he saw McCoy.

McCoy rushed forward, shouldering the medical officer out of his way, something he made a note to apologize for later, and took over bearing Kirk’s weight. He was sweaty and bloody, but McCoy had never been happier to be touching him. It was worrying to him that Kirk never protested as they proceeded to Sickbay, and when they arrived he hurried to locate and treat the worst of Kirk’s wounds. It seemed that whoever had attacked him had been wielding one of the daunting spears Spock had seen the guards carrying, as he had a deep puncture in his side.

He was calling to Nurse Chapel to prepare a hypospray when Kirk lifted his head and reached out to grab McCoy’s wrist, missing and thumping him in the elbow instead.

“Wait, Bones, wait,” he said, breathing heavily between words. “Where’s Spock?”

McCoy continued moving the dermal regenerator over Kirk’s body, but looked puzzled at his question. “What do you need Spock for?” He asked, wincing a little as Kirk’s movement caused blood to ooze from the puncture. “And stop moving around like that, unless you want to bleed to death right here.”

Obediently, Kirk let head sink back onto the biobed. “We’re getting married right now,” he practically growled. “I haven’t seen you in three days. It’ll be extra lucky.”

There wasn’t even a moment’s pause before McCoy turned to shout to Nurse Chapel, who had just appeared around the corner with the hypospray he had requested. “Hail Spock and tell him to bring the rings.”

*

“Do you take this man to have and to—“

“Yes, yeah, I do.”

“And do you take this ma—“

“Get on with it, Spock.”

Spock arched an eyebrow and gave the Doctor a bemused look. “In that case, I now pronounce you to be married under Federation law.”

The few witnesses, Nurse Chapel and two other patients, clapped softly as McCoy swept down on his husband and kissed him slowly, thoroughly, a smear of blood from his hand ending up on Kirk’s cheek. They smiled at each other tenderly, aware of the eyes on them but not caring. It was only Kirk’s belabored breathing that brought McCoy back to the current situation, and he straightened up with a fierce scowl on his face.

“Now everybody get out so I can make sure I’ll still have a husband come morning.”

*

“Bones, if I don’t make it through thi—“

“Shut up, Jim, you’re going to be fine.”

“But why—“

“I just wanted everyone to leave us alone.”

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 20:26:55 GMT

Title: When You're In Love (You're Out Of Your Mind)
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Wincest
Rating: PG-13
Notes: Title taken from "When You're In Love" by The Proclaimers. Thanks to djshangrila for the beta. Originally written in 2007.
Summary: Dean isn't certain how he and Sam started having sex, but he knows how the other thing started.

Dean wasn’t entirely certain how he and Sam had started having sex. Sam was too reserved to talk about sex at all, never mind sex with his older brother, and Dean would never ask Sam for something like that. Neither ever got drunk enough to make gay incestuous sex seem like the thing to do, not since they’d been teenagers and they’d been too drunk to protect themselves from an ambush.

They’d both heard of the spirits that forced people to have sex, even knew a few hunters it had happened to, but they’d been lucky enough to avoid such a situation. They hadn’t ever encountered the infamous sex pollen, hadn’t ever fought a succubus.

There was no excuse for the fact that they had sex on a fairly regular basis. It was just something they did.

*

Dean had wanted it for a long time, ever since he was 20 and Sam was 16. It wasn’t something that he realized all at once, but something that snuck up on him and bit him in the ass. When he finally figured out what he was feeling for Sam he disappeared for a week.

His baby brother might not have been a particularly happy teenager, but Dean knew that if he admitted to Sam how he felt it would only screw the younger boy up more.

It barely mattered to Dean that it hurt to not at least mention to Sam what he was thinking. It kept Sam happy, not knowing, and Dean knew there wasn’t a chance.

*

There had been a brief period of time where Dean had had a bit of hope, though he was quiet about it and kept his improved mood to himself. It was when Sam was 18 and Dean was 22. Dean was out late at a bar, drinking a few beers and throwing some darts, and Sam had called from his seat in the bed of Dad’s truck.

His voice had been soft on the phone and Dean had to leave the bar to stand in the parking lot just to hear him. Even when the reception cleared up and Sam’s voice came in just fine Dean wasn’t certain he was hearing right.

What Sam told him was that he thought he was gay, that he’d met a man. He had danced around the word itself at first, saying just that there was a guy at the library that he really liked. Dean had made him come right out and say it, just to be sure that he understood.

After the initial surge of excitement Dean felt, the small amount of hope he couldn’t squash down, Dean told Sam that it was alright. He told his brother that he should make sure Dad hadn’t heard him and he should go to bed, they’d talk when Dean got back to the motel.

Dean hadn’t gone back into the bar after that. Instead he slid into the Impala’s front seat and jerked himself off thinking about Sam and his library friend. In the back of his mind he knew that he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. The thought couldn’t hurt Sammy, only the action.

It had been hard to look Sam in the eye when he finally returned to the motel, and he knew that Sam would take his silence wrong. When Dad left in the morning for coffee Dean gave Sam a hug, squeezed his shoulder, and then he’d immediately gotten in the shower and couldn’t get Sam’s name out of his head until he came all over the tiles.

*

When Sam left for Stanford Dean thought it might end. He could let Sam be normal, have a life away from a brother who couldn’t stop staring when Sam’s back was turned.

It was a shock when Sam called and told Dean he’d met a girl he liked. It was a good thing Dean hadn’t let Sam thinking he was gay give him much lasting hope, because hearing about his new girlfriend would surely have crushed it.

He’d tried not to let his surprise or his disappointment show when he’d congratulated Sam, made a filthy joke, and then gave an excuse to get off the phone. After he’d hung up he realized that he hadn’t thought to ask Sam what her name was.

*

Having Sam back made it worse again. With him always in the passenger seat, in the second bed, in his line-of-sight, it was harder to ignore how much he still loved his brother. One day he came close to telling Sam, was a second and a half away from it, but he stopped when he realized that Sam was just barely coping with being back on the road as it was, even without Dean putting more weight on him. So Dean had changed his sentence to something innocent, a jab about girly coffee and stupid hair.

Sam didn’t hear the bad cover. It was three in the morning and he was fast asleep. The following day Dean acted like he hadn’t been up all night, but he knew Sam could tell.

Maybe it was because he was tired that Dean asked Sam bluntly over breakfast what had happened to the man from the library that Sam had liked back when he was still a horny teenager.

Sam blinked at the question and told Dean that they’d left town before he’d got up the courage to tell the guy how he felt. He said it hadn’t been a big deal, but Dean saw the regret in his eyes. He wondered if Sam would have been happy with the guy, would have stayed behind with him, would have been loved, all in a split second.

*

One day Sam sat on Dean’s bed while Dean was in the shower, waiting for him. Dean saw Sam there when he entered the room with a towel tied tightly across his hips, looked away when Sam glanced uneasily at his own feet.

Dean got dressed, waiting for Sam to either say something or get off his bed, but Sam did neither, so Dean lay down on the bed and watched Sam’s back.

Eventually Sam spoke, told Dean they needed to talk. Sam didn’t turn around and Dean watched Sam’s muscled shoulders as he spoke softly.

“Dean,” Sam had said, more in the direction of his feet than to Dean, “Dean, I need to tell you something and I know I’m going to chicken out, so I want you to promise you’ll make me say it.”

Sam stopped there and Dean considered it. The panic had set in right away, his constant fear that Sam would leave him. If that’s what Sam had to tell him, he didn’t want to hear it. Dean knew Sam wanted to go back to school, to leave, and he was terrified that Sam would give him a chance to beg. Dean knew he would. He couldn’t stand to lose Sam again, even if Sam would be happier.

When the silence got too oppressive Dean nodded, even though Sam’s back was still to him.

“I promise, Sam.” Dean said. His voice didn’t shake, but his insides were quivering. Sam was going to leave him. He was going to be alone again.

Sam’s shoulders relaxed visibly at Dean’s answer and Sam took a deep breath before starting to speak again.

“I don’t want to scare you,” Sam started, “But this is important and I have to tell you.”

He’s leaving me, Dean thought. Sam’s going.

“It’s wrong, Dean, I know it is…” Sam stopped talking after that. He stayed seated, not so much as twitching, but he didn’t continue.

Dean swallowed, unable to stop the few tears that dropped out of the corner of his eyes, making wet paths across his temples. “Please, Sammy.” He said, not entirely wanting to be heard, not wanting Sam to say what Dean knew he would.

Sam shook his head, but he started talking again. “Dean, I’m sorry.” He said. “I love you.”

*

All these years later Dean is still surprised that that’s where Sam had ended. It wasn’t ‘I love you, but I’m leaving’. It was just ‘I love you’.

So maybe the reason Sam and Dean started having sex is that it didn’t start that way at all.

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 18:18:36 GMT

Five icons for the Blue Oyster Cult song "Career Of Evil". They don't actually have anything to do with Supernatural, but I'm tagging them with it anyway. It makes sense to me.

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 23:22:00 GMT

These icons are for the good folks at statements, because pie is sad now.

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 14:22:10 GMT

Five Supernatural icons on request of djshangrila. I wouldn't usually bother putting so few icons behind a cut, but since they're sort of blood-spatteringly graphic I thought I'd spare those of you who don't want to see them.

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

House MD.

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 19:01:16 GMT

18 icons from House. Mostly from Cane and Able (S3) but no spoilers for anything.

Teasers:

1	2	3
4	5	6
7	8	9
10	11	12
13	14	15
16	17	18

Credit to paddlicons, please. :)

Doctor Who

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 02:53:14 GMT

18 Doctor Who icons. These are from a lot of different episodes, since I was mostly just messing around with different tutorials. I'm actually really proud of a few of these. :D

Samples:

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4	5	6

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16	17	18

Credit to paddlicons please. :)

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 23:43:54 GMT

16 TDS/TCR icons, out of complete and utter boredom. Excuse the fact that I put one of them in twice. Just pretend it isn't there. :)

I also recently discovered that I have no book icons, so I made ten of them and have yet to actually use them.

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25

Please credit to paddlicons.

Master and Commander and the Night of Too Many Stars!

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 01:11:01 GMT

I had tickets to the Night of Too Many Stars (IT ROCKED AND I MET STEPHEN COLBERT) so I didn't get to do icons until now. I wanted to do them as I was sitting at the show but I think it was worth having to wait. :D

The Master and Commander icons are older but for some reason I'm just getting around to posting them. Ah, well.

(Just for your reference, since I'm sure you can figure it out)
1-17 Night of Too Many Stars
*1-2 Jerry Seinfeld
*3 Martin Short
*4 Mike Myers
*5-8 Stephen Colbert
*9 Stephen Colbert & Jon Stewart
*10-17 Jon Stewart
18-34 Master and Commander

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34

Please credit to paddlicons. :)

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 20:00:19 GMT

We all know Harrison Ford is good on planes (Air Force One) but afraid of snakes (Indiana Jones). So what would happen if he were faced with snakes on a plane? Would he scream like a girl and let everyone die or would he kick their muthafucking asses?

15 Indiana Jones icons, because Indiana Jones is even cooler than Snakes On A Plane.

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4	5	6

7	8	9

10	11	12

13	14	15

Credit to paddlicons.

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 21:39:18 GMT

garciasgirl introduced me to BBC3's Sinchronicity and I LOVED IT SO MUCH, so here are 36 icons from it. As you can probably tell, I have an unhealthy obsession with Mani, which I'm certain makes me a bad lesbian but I don't really mind that.

The Daily Show ones came out rather bad but I figured I'd post them anyway. Don't mind me.

1-36 Sinchronicity
37-40 Buffy the Vampire Slayer
41-50 Emmys 2006

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Credit to paddlicons.

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 04:38:49 GMT

Emmy icons! This is probably the fastest batch of icons I've ever done. I've only been working for half an hour or so. And most of that time was me squealing and jumping around.

Anyway, spoilery I guess. BUT OMG IT WAS THE CUTEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN. Many thanks to uluviel for the clips. Caps by me. Credit to paddlicons please.

1	2	3

4	5	6

7	8	9

10

EDIT:

Wow, I am so overwhelmed. I love you all so much for your fantastic comments. I've literally been bouncing around in my computer chair, squealing loudly and girlishly. Thank you thank you thank you!

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 22:44:32 GMT

I got PowerDVD to work again today so I made a bunch of animated icons. Honestly, restarting the computer three times in a row should have occured to me when it first stopped working, because that's obviously how to go about fixing it. How silly was I?

I'm probably going to do a bunch of Buffy icons soon. I started watching my DVDs again last night and I can't help but look at them in 100x100 squares. Actually, I look at everything like that. So...yes.

1-4 Strangers With Candy
5-13 The Daily Show (Erm, all quite slashy, so skip 'em if you don't like that.)
14-25 Anderson Cooper

Erm, looks like I put the same icon in twice, so just ignore either number six or seven.

Credit to paddlicons

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35 Strangers With Candy icons

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 18:21:23 GMT

35 Strangers With Candy icons! 21 are text icons and the rest of the 'normal kind'.

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Credit to paddlicons as always.

31 Strangers With Candy Icons

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 01:04:13 GMT

31 icons from Strangers With Candy. Most are from Ask Jerri, with a few from the illiteracy episode and two promo shots of Maria Thayer.

And thrown in here are 4 icons from Shakespeare In Love. It may not have been a fantastic movie but it sure was pretty to look at.

Credit to paddlicons as always.

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Shakespeare In Love (not special enough for a table)

10 Daily Show Icons

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 22:21:26 GMT

10 icons from The Daily Show. Mostly Jon Stewart with some Rob Corddry and Stephen Colbert.

1	2	3

4	5	6

7	8	9

10

55 Daily Show Icons and Eleven Amy Sedaris icons

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 00:21:26 GMT

To say that I was bored today is a major understatement, so here's 55 Daily Show icons. They're very simple, so you can use them for whatever you want. Customize away. Edit, add, demolish, use them as they are, whatever. If you could please credit, though, that would be very nice.

Also 11 Amy Sedaris icons.

1-11 Ed Helms
12-26 Stephen Colbert
27-32 Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell
32-33 Steve Carell
34 Samantha Bee
35-38 Rob Corddry
39-40 Nate Corddry
41-42 Lewis Black
43-44 Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart
45-55 Jon Stewart

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Oh, and I sometimes forget that other people are going to see the filenames so if something is saved as 'Jonishaaaaaaawt' please forgive me. Please?

Caps from tds_caps.

1	2	3
4	5	6
7	8	9
10	11

The problem with iconing Amy is that she's already so beautiful that anything you put on the icon just gets in the way of her pretty. So I skipped the text on the majority of thme. That, and I don't like text.

Doctor Who and Strangers With Candy

Sat, 29 Jul 2006 02:44:46 GMT

I should've waited on my last post since I did make more icons today. Lots, in fact. I was just trying out some new stuff and playing around with old things that I'd forgotten how to do. Because it was mainly for fun some of these are a bit funny looking. It was just to amuse myself.

All the Strangers With Candy icons are from the illiteracy episode because those are the only screencaps I have on my computer right now. Doctor Who is Ninth and Tenth doctors but no Doomsday spoilers for once.

Textless icons aren't really bases, but if you ask nicely I'll probably let you do whatever you want to them.

1-14 Doctor Who
15-25 Strangers With Candy

Credit to paddlicons as always.

Numbers one and two are from the mural I did in my basement of Nine and Rose.

1	2	3
4	5	6
7	8	9
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The Daily Show, Strangers With Candy

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 18:49:31 GMT

Six Daily Show icons and Eight Strangers With Candy

Blank icons are bases if you want them to be, full icons if you want them to be that. Your choice. Either way, please credit paddlicons.

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4		5		6

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7	8

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 01:39:28 GMT

Eight Doctor Who Icons. SPOILERS for Doomsday.

Please credit paddlicons.

1	2	3

4	5	6

7	8

Strangers With Candy

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 18:12:07 GMT

Lots of dancing Strangers With Candy icons. May give you a headache. You have been warned.

1	2	3

4	5	6

7	8	9

10	11	12

13	14	15

16	17	18

Moulin Rouge

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 18:11:05 GMT

A few Moulin Rouge icons.

1	2	3

4	5

Intro and all that

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 17:42:36 GMT

Hello, everyone! This is death_ismygift's icon journal. Posts will be sorted using tags so it's easy to locate what you're looking for. Enjoy the icons, take what you'd like, but please please please credit them to paddlicons.

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